I WONDER

if I could ever recover the 16-year-old, who was as wise as she was naive, who asked questions that mattered, who was not afraid because she did not know yet what fear meant.

It is not a longing for a past long gone, not really; 16 sucked too because I was gangly and clumsy. No, I miss the feeling that that time represents. I think the most glorious moment in any life is when one is standing at the threshold of a new world. Right now the world seems so old.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I notice the bits of me that are exposed, and bits that are covered up. It's the same as always I guess, just now I'm conscious of it. Consciousness is a killer. Every decision becomes consequential, each mistake more serious than the previous, and sillier than the next.

I am not depressed, okay. Just overly contemplative and a little bit trapped. I truly wish the sad words would stop.

***

Some time ago I wrote: The problem with waiting is that I'm fully conscious of it.

I philosophize the fact that I'm waiting for my wisdom to come. I may have lost it. Poetry. Irony. Magic. All I see are unifrom faces, dozens of them walking around in identical pin-striped suits and disheveled hair. It is a tiresome affair, sitting here and watching them. I'm sure they are more than their typical beige coats and perpetual pink blush. I know I am, even though I don't have a beige coat. So I don't understand why I'm so disappointed. Is everyone the same everywhere?

But I've been seeking something else, something I know now that I haven't found here, where I am.

Somewhere at the margin perhaps, a short distance away from this humdrum existence. A life of meaning, of movement. And I don't want to wait.

happy birthday to meeeeeeeee

Female, 24, in a relationship.

Twenty fucken four!!! Seeing it actually took my breath away. Even friendster is against me now hmp. Haha.

I woke up to birthday messages, a couple of them possibly half-drunken, and a quick phone call from the bf, asking me what I wanted for breakfast. Yep, got my breakfast in bed! Well, actually no. When he arrived (three hours after he left home, wawa naman), I was already dressed. Just the same, it was very sweet. Mwahbebe!

I was late for work again, 19 minutes. Best time this week!

Received lovely, lovely Colombian roses from my tita. Kahelera ko na (raw) sina Kris at Boy who both order flowers from the same florist. Sikat for a day, what can I say.

Pigged out on pizza, cake and ice cream at the office. Blew a candle, just one, thank goodness.

Looking forward to this weekend! I predict we'll have a beautiful seafood lunch. Yummy.

So all in all, this hasn't been a bad day. It's not over yet, but I'm choosing not to allow anything or anyone to ruin it.

O sha, gotta go. More later.

BLUES

I'd like to blame it on my birthday.

I feel uneasy. Here I go again.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I just feel so down. Pucha. I'm not depressed about gaining another year per se. I mean, at the end of te day who cares? Everyones grows old.

On one hand I'm happy. Got everything I want at this point in my life, really. But on the other hand, inside me is this...monster.

Shit.

i miss you old friend
could you fill me up again?
drown me in your magical waters

it's been a lifeless walk without you
the sky is dull and the wind is dry
the leaves no longer spark fire

under the ordinary sun

it is a heavy emptiness
holding each breath hoping to touch some mystery
there is none

no iridescence
no wonder
no wild secret to share

where are you my muse?
come back
save me
please

make me write again